Tribute

There is no eloquent way to start this post. I've typed, erased, re-typed, erased, and just stared at the blinking cursor here for several minutes.

This past weekend, Kelby and I lost a baby. Not too many people knew about him, but we did. I don't want him to go away from this world without having made an impression on it. Maybe this is too private an experience to share with the public but he is a part of this family and I won't have him go unmentioned.

I say 'him' because, as I realized I was miscarrying, I felt the loss of a son. Having just arrived at 6 weeks of pregnancy, my heart and mind were only beginning to wrap themselves around the idea of having another baby. According to the Baby Center website, his eyes were beginning to take shape and his pituitary gland was developing. But when we were sent to St. Joseph hospital for a sonogram, there was no baby to be found. He was slowly slipping away.

I can't explain the total helplessness we felt as we began to understand what was happening. Nothing was going to fix this. So many thoughts ran through my head. I had forgotten to take my prenatal vitamin that day. I had had a glass of wine to drink a few nights before. I was lifting Max too much. I was nursing Max too much. I was too stressed. Slowly, the what-if game began.

You can only 'what if' for so long before you just sit and say, "You know best, Lord." Even as tears poured down my face and the rain came down outside, I praised God for the one child of mine that he had taken to heaven with him already. While that thought is comforting, my baby will still never see his November 11th birthday and the weakness inside me cries because I can't allow myself to be consoled with my child's eternal peace. Nonetheless, there are pains and trials here on earth that he will mercifully never have to endure and for that I am grateful.

Kelby and I have decided to call him Joseph because he left us on the feast of St. Joseph. We pray to St. Joseph as our family's patron saint. We hope to plant a tree in his memory.

Perhaps one like this that blooms at this time of year.

Please keep us in your prayers and know that our little one is with God watching over all of us.

St. Joseph, pray for us.