The Will of God

Sometimes I slip up and say, "When the babies come..." or "when they're born." For 10 weeks I operated under the impression that two little people were growing inside of me. When I felt those first familiar but strange nudges of life, I shared with Kelby that the babies were kicking.

The truth is, a lot of people don't get early sonograms. Many wouldn't have even had the opportunity we were given to celebrate the joy of two new lives at such an early point in their pregnancies. What could have happened was at an 18 week sonogram we would have learned that at one point our 1 expected baby had had a twin. General amazement would have set in and maybe the rest of the day we would have spent thinking of what might have been. Of the major changes that would have been required in our life as a family. Of how we would have had to move and get a new car. Of how much sleep we would have lost. Of the 3 children in diapers. Of the joyful noise that would have filled our house day in and day out. But then we would have gone to bed, given each other a kiss, and thanked God for the baby we were blessed to have with us still and the one we didn't even know we were having that was now with Him in heaven.

But that's not quite what happened.

God has a plan. A Will. For some reason, still pretty unknown to us, He wanted us to know. He wanted us to be open even more than we thought we had been when we asked Him to bless our family with another baby. Our shock when we first found out at only 6 and a half weeks quickly dissolved into pure excitement and slightly terrified anticipation. Our world did seem like it was going to be immediately changed. We prepared mentally for the challenges ahead but couldn't help but smile all the time as people shared in our happiness and joy. So we celebrated and marveled at how even the most well-laid plans could be changed by God. Just days before we learned about the new change in plans, we were talking about how much better God's plan was than ours and how we were glad that He was the one in charge, not us.

And we still believe that.

Still, our hearts are heavy. Really heavy. But as so many have helped us to see, we now have 2 children in heaven. And isn't that what we're given them for? To get them to heaven? And so God is still good. He's always good. And I can say that because He holds me, holds my husband, and holds all of us in his arms. I can say that because there are so many people praying for us right now. I praise God because He never lets us fall without giving us a soft place to land.

Kelby and I will carry our sweet, heaven-sent babies in our hearts always. The pain will come in and out as it has been these past 8 days but when we hold our new darling baby in our arms it will be hard to hurt too much. And until then, Max is still that bright light from God who won't let a day go by without smiles, laughs, hugs, and kisses.

God is always good.