break

I spend most of the day in my own head. Sure, I interact with Max, make some phone calls, run errands, and go to Mass (if I make it) but I feel like I spend most of my time in my head.

Throughout the day or week, I find myself saying--to myself--"I need a break." What do I need a break from though? Domesticity?? That was supposed to be the fulfillment of my life's dreams. Homework?? Lord knows I'm not exactly pouring over that.

What is it then?

Last night, Kelby and I went on our first date night since ... September 12th. Ok, I know it wasn't that long ago. But anyway, we got to talk without any kind of interruption other than, "Would you like another drink?" and it was nice. We saw a (surprisingly) pretty funny movie (RED with Bruce Willis) where there was no need to press pause, go change a diaper, answer a phone, or anything else. It was just me and my good smelling hubby holding hands in a dark theater.

So that was a break right?

Yes and no. I've come to the conclusion that no break is ever a break when you're a mother. And when you think about it, you don't really want a break. Even at dinner and in the movie, my mind would jump back to our house where my kind mother was probably experimenting with every trick imaginable to satiate our son. With this knowledge, my heart ached a little both for my baby and for my mom who thinks she gets a big "F" in grandma-hood because Max is, well, challenging.

There will always be a connection that I can't get a break from. My heart will always leap at the thought of our little bouncing boy. His smile will continue to carve through all the grime that I've let build up over the day. His sad cry will activate the problem solver in me and bring me back to his side to comfort him until it's all better. His squeal of delight when our eyes meet will always affect me deeply like nothing else has before. I don't want a break from that. Not ever.

The break I need is going to have to come from inside myself. A break from excuses and anxiety and pity. A break from expecting domesticity to be the fulfillment of my life's dreams. I need to break into a better relationship with God; to set all my tasks at his feet and offer them to him who has given me so much. Because even good things, like taking care of a husband, a child, and a home, when viewed as their own end can cause strife. Reorganize them with God's glory as the ultimate purpose and the troubles will fade away.

Thanks for reading.

May your day find its purpose in the Lord.

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I promise I'll get myself a journal and spare you the off days.